It hits us until it doesn’t.

When the tropical air hits us as we walk out of the examination centre, we finally realise the burden we have been carrying on our shoulders, the responsibility of showing up every day, studying for endless hours, and making sure each past paper question is tackled, it feels like an invisible force that holds us until the knowledge is given away on the very day.

 We tell our mothers about that two-marker question we messed up, but the heart is drumming with joy because, at this point, the relief feels better than the unforeseen results.

That night, we stay up late. Doomscrolling no longer feels guilty., grabbing onto the covers of our very bed because there is so much to look forward to: summer plans, dorm shopping, friends, hangouts, celebrations, the family wedding we have been planning, the ocean and the sand, or a ticket to Paris, or… nothing at all?

Freedom, in the shape of long, sunny, work-free days, comes at a cost. The privilege of being busy is suddenly gone, and we have an empty canvas that we now have to decide how to fill up. Realistically, it’s impossible that all of us would have booked flights to Europe or the Maldives or have a number of events to attend every single summer.

Some of these days will be just blank, for us to explore and find the versions of ourselves that we suppressed during the school season because there was simply no time to think.

I’ll tell you two things that will move you about the very idea of free time.

Overthink and Write

Superficially, overthinking is discouraged due to its impact on mental health, but personally, I believe sitting in a quiet space, without any distraction, can pull me away from insanity. I mean the insanity caused by millions of thoughts and feelings that my mind and body experienced, but I never nurtured because I was too busy studying and stressing about whatever exam comes next.

Imagine a messy wardrobe: you keep buying new items and tossing them onto the heap of other tangled clothes until, eventually, you lose yourself within the clutter, unable to think and process the junk.

That is what our brain is like; if we are not given the space to arrange our thoughts related to the incidents that occur to us emotionally and physically throughout the school year, for example a toxic friend’s behaviour or constant passive-aggressive comments, and we ignore it because our priority is our exams, then our inner self will start to deteriorate.

So do give yourself a couple of hours just staring at a blank wall, thinking and thinking. Give yourself time to process what state you are in. Are you at peace with life? Are you really happy? Or are you tired of life and people? What is it that made this year bad or good? Is it a friend you need to cut off? Or do you feel insecure about your looks and want a gym body?

Then write it down neatly in a diary or a journal, or even on a piece of paper that feels familiar to your heart. I have a diary where I write everything, from schedules to plans to shopping lists to my goals and feelings, because I feel so accustomed to its presence that it feels like a real-life therapist.

Last summer, I wrote down the names of every girl I hung out with, wrote down all the good things they did for our friendship and the bad parts where they disrespected me, then rationally decided which of them actually added value to my life and which ones just induced negativity.

This way, as my junior year began, I knew the exact boundaries to keep and how to treat people, and I grew so much more confident in myself.

Spend time with your inner child

Easier said than done, because a lot of us rely on other human beings to entertain us when we have a lot of time on our hands. I say, your inner child is who you actually are. Your essence. What you are without any external expectation. It’s the state of living rather than existing.

How many times have you told your best friend that you will write a book but never started? How many times have you looked at other people online and said you would start your weight-loss journey too but never began?

You didn’t start because you say, “I don’t have time,” when really, your time with yourself should be a top priority. Well, now you have time.

Go on a coffee date alone, spend money on the new phone you wanted, and stop thinking about the future for a second: “Oh, I could have used my pocket money elsewhere,” or “I could have started studying for A2,” because yes, time does fly fast, but one day it will be gone and you will regret that you never really enjoyed yourself.

It’s a race that is very easy to get caught up in because we see everybody excelling, growing, and just seemingly having the “perfect” life, and we think we are behind. Hear me out: everyone is behind. It’s an endless marathon between mortals. The ending line will be your grave, nonetheless.

Focus on “What’s the most beautiful thing about every single thing in my life?” rather than “What’s the best thing in my life?” because free time is a precious privilege to enjoy.