Prisoner of Expectations
Tick
The familiar sound vibrates through your ears as the familiar dread trickles down your spine and the familiar beads of sweat embrace your brow. You stare at the cruel timekeeper on your desk; he grimly waves back with his small arm, reminding you of every second that passes. Out of desperation, you divert your helpless eyes towards the calendar on the bland wall, barely hanging on, just like you.
Tick
You inch closer, unable to see clearly through your teary eyes, wishing that as you get closer, the dates would magically unmark themselves, that the wasted days would somehow undo themselves, that you would simply be given more time. But alas, you don't get what you want. You never seem to either.
Tick
Out of options, you return to your dungeon, open up the same old books, grip the same old pen, and do what you’ve got to do. Do what you’ve always done. Always done but never succeeded. You suddenly falter. Your grip on the pen loosens for a second, and so does the compulsion on your tired soul.
Tick
You pause. Trying to escape from the rushing thoughts and tension that surround you, and doing your best to focus on the liminal lighting in front of you. Trying to suffocate the oh-so-many possibilities the madman in your head comes up with to torture you, to mock you. You try to think of a distraction, a way out of this mess, but alas, the peace you’ve ever found has been nothing but ephemeral.
Tick
You can't take it anymore. You try to drown it out. Focus. Focus on the equations floating around. Focus on the syllabus taped in front of you. Focus on the tests – God, no, not the tests. You’re reminded of the effort. All the effort that went in vain. The countless nights you spent working and working just to get a miserable grade. Your eyes start to well, and you squeeze your eyes together in protest. Focus. Relax. Your muscles loosen, and the pen slips from your hand.
Thud
Stuck between the haunting bridge of what you are and what you can be, sometimes the best thing you can do is pause, take a breath, and enjoy the view below. You haven’t come this far just to fail, but you haven't come this far to never know what you’ve achieved either. So you take a deep breath and relax. Everyone needs a break once in a while, not for overworking themselves, not as a reward, but simply because they deserve it.
Tick
This time the timekeeper is more gentle, or perhaps you are. For now you are at ease, and that is all that matters. The stubborn books now look back at you in sympathy, as your trusty pen massages your tired hand. The calendar now serves as a reminder of the countless days you’ve spent working and how you’re only getting closer to victory.
Tick
The melodic lullaby of the timekeeper urges you to rest. Its hands point up at 2, reminding you that you’ve done enough. The melancholic halo gives way to a placid, soothing atmosphere. Just because you've been carrying it well doesn’t mean it's not heavy. Your cosy bed beckons you to lie down, and after reconsidering, so does the madman in your head. The soft pillow drains you of your remaining agonies, and finally, after a long while, you are at peace. A soldier who does not fight is a coward, and a soldier who does not rest is foolish. So always give it your all, but remember to give yourself the serenity you deserve as well.